A Leader's Legacy: A Leader's Memory, Book 2
by TMNT-Queen
Summary: He tried to kill himself. He almost succeeded. Now, his brothers have to bring him back from the edge and try to convince him that life really is worth living. But maybe...maybe he doesn't want to be saved. Maybe this time, Hamato Leonardo has really, truly given up. Rated T for themes of suicide and depression.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"All right, Leo. We're gonna try it again, okay?"

The blue-banded turtle gritted his teeth and nodded, heaving himself off of the special wheelchair Donnie had rigged up. But even with Donnie's help, he was barely able to stand for more than thirty seconds - much less walk the few feet he was supposed to walk. Hot tears stung his eyes and he collapsed back into the chair.

"It's no use, Donnie. I'm never gonna be able to walk again."

There was pain on the genius's face as Leo said that. Across the room, Raph sighed. The events of Leo's attempted suicide had caused damage in more ways than one. The eldest was emotionally shattered, and the lack of oxygen to his brain had left him with little to no motor control in his lower half. Most days he was barely able to move his toes. Donnie had told him that, with a little (a lot) of physical therapy, he'd be back on his feet in no time.

So far, that hadn't happened.

"You can't give up hope, dude," Mikey said, placing a sympathetic hand on Leo's shoulder. "You'll walk again. I know you will. It's just gonna take time."

"How much time?!" Leo asked sharply, jerking away. "How much time, Mikey? I've been stuck in this stupid chair for almost a month and I haven't made any progress whatsoever! I-I'm useless!"

"You're not useless. You just gotta get back on your feet, is all." The freckled ninja suddenly realized what he'd said and his face drained of color. "Oh, jeez. Leo, I didn't mean-"

"Forget it." Leo turned, his eyes shining with ill-concealed tears, and wheeled away into the dojo. The paper door slammed shut a second later.

Donnie let out a long breath and sat down on the couch, dragging a hand down his face. "He's not getting any better, guys," he admitted quietly.

"He's more volatile than I am now," Raph agreed.

A sad look appeared on Mikey's face. "What are we gonna do? He's just gonna keep spiraling into this...this...darkness. If it keeps going, he'll just try to kill himself again."

The two older brothers winced at his bold wording. But they knew he was right. "It doesn't help when he talks to me," Donnie said. "He's withholding a lot of information from me. I think he's really embarrassed about what he tried to do."

Raph crossed his arms. "Or he's embarrassed that he got caught."

"I still can't believe we never noticed he was in such a bad place," the youngest murmured. "If we'd seen this coming, we could've...I don't know... _changed_ it somehow. Kept him from going." His lower lip quivered. "This is all my fault."

Donnie's gaze snapped to him. "What do you mean?"

"I-I stopped him one day a week or so before it happened. Told him he seemed kind of sad. He just brushed it off. But maybe if I had pushed him a little more he would've opened up. I-I walked away, guys. I could've helped him then. But I walked away."

"Aw, Mike..." The resident hothead slipped an arm around Mikey's trembling shoulders. "This is no more your fault than it is mine or Donnie's. All of us had plenty of opportunity to see what was going on. We all turned a blind eye. We didn't pay attention because it was Leo, and Leo was strong. He could handle anything."

"Not anymore," Mikey whispered. "How did he get so...so _broken,_ Raph? How did he fall so far and none of us ever notice? What kind of family are we if we don't notice that our own _brother_ is in that much pain?"

"I-I don't know, Mikey. I don't know."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: So I'm gonna be trying something new...responding to your reviews at the beginning of the chapter! I know writers who do this on here, and I was always ecstatic when the author responded to my review. That was just about my favorite part of each new chapter. ;) So here we go._

 **tmntsurviver:** Thank you very much! I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations haha.

 **TMNT Loving Leo the Second:** I can't wait to see what happens next either. ;) Thank you!

 **leggo lover 99:** Thank you! And yes. I am going to mess with everyone's emotions again. *laughs evilly* Would I be me if I didn't? *wink*

 **Nutella Swirl:** Nope. Unfortunately (at least for the time being) he's pretty much confined to the wheelchair. It remains to be seen how long our not-so-fearless leader will be in that position...currently, none of the brothers are really going on patrols. They're mostly focused on getting Leo back to his old self (or as close as possible). Thank you!

 **Miraculous Pink Ninja:** Actually, Riley's not gone. She just wasn't in the first chapter (let's assume she was out shopping or something lol). I wanted the focus to be mainly on Leo and his brothers. But don't worry. She'll appear soon. She'll be an important part of the story, so don't worry.

 _Let me know what you guys think about me responding to your reviews like this. If you don't like it, I won't do it in future chapters. This is basically a...field test, of sorts. XD_

 _Okay! Now that I've gotten that done, on with the story!_

 **Chapter 2**

"Leo was strong. He could handle anything."

"Not anymore. How did he get so...so _broken_ , Raph?"

Leo flinched at his youngest sibling's words. He could hear every single thing they said through the rice paper doors.

 _I'm broken._

Well, if he didn't hate himself enough before, that was what pushed him over the edge. The eldest turtle buried his face in his hands and let out a muffled sob.

"I'm such a _failure,_ " he said to no one in particular. "I'm a freak. Useless. Worthless. I _hate_ myself!" He clenched his jaw and slammed his hands down onto the armrests of the wheelchair, pushing himself upwards. For a few precious moments Leo stood on his own...and then his legs gave out and he collapsed onto the dojo floor. "Dammit!"

Hot tears of shame and anger coursed down his cheeks and he tried to get to his feet again. But all he could do was drag himself over to the nearest wall.

Self-loathing rose inside of the mutant and he screamed, his vision flashing red. He threw his fist into the wooden paneling on the wall, feeling something in his hand give way a loud _crack_ but not really caring. It hurt. Pain was good. Pain helped him forget.

By the time the others realized what was happening and ran into the room, there was blood smeared across the wall. Crimson rivers streamed down the leader's wrists and arms and splashed onto his plastron.

Raph and Mikey cried out in alarm, each of them grabbing one of his upper arms and hauling him backwards. "Leo! Leo, stop! _Stop it!_ "

"Let me go!" the blue-banded turtle screamed. "Let me _go,_ Raph! Please!" His voice cracked. "Please," he wept, trying to pull away, "Let me go." But despite his struggling, he couldn't break from his brothers' grip. A filthy curse dropped from his lips and Mikey flinched.

"Donnie, do something before he hurts himself worse!" Raph ordered.

The resident genius approached slowly, holding up one hand. The other was behind his back. "It's gonna be okay, Leo."

Leo's eyes went wide as Donnie pulled out a syringe filled with a clear liquid. "I don't need to be sedated! I'm fine!"

"You're trying to kill yourself!" his hotheaded brother snapped.

Leo bucked, trying desperately to free himself. "Please don't do this, Donnie. Please."

"Until we can trust you not to hurt yourself, we can't take that chance."

"I'm your _brother!_ Donnie, don't you dare! I swear, if you take one more step-" But his protests went unheard. Donnie stuck the needle in Leo's outstretched arm and emptied the barrel. Numbness started to spread throughout the leader's body. "I hate you," he snarled. "I hate all of you! Why couldn't you just let me die?!"

And the world went black.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews and stuff, guys! This series is doing way better than I'd expected, haha. ;)_

 **TMNT LLII:** Yeah...not quite sure how to respond to that. XD

 **Mewfem:** He's got a bit of a journey ahead...it might get worse before it gets better, unfortunately.

 **leggo lover 99:** The guys are really out of their depth with this current problem. They're definitely not used to _Leo_ breaking down - it's supposed to be the other way around. ;) Thank you! I honestly don't know if I could write any other way. XD

 **Nutella Swirl:** XD Thank you! I was interested in trying it because I'd seen a few other people do it haha. Don't worry too much about Leo. Despite what his brothers (and even what he himself) think, he's still strong. He's not down for the count yet.

 **FrostyFirebender:** Well I couldn't leave you guys hanging, now could I? ;) I'm glad you enjoyed the ending so much! I just hope I can do it justice in this continuation.

 **Chapter 3**

When Leo woke up, he realized two things. First, his head really _hurt._ So did his hands, wrists, arms, and legs.

And second, that he wasn't alone.

Riley sighed when she noticed that he was conscious. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been hit by a truck...that then decided to back up and run over me a second time." The blue-banded turtle grimaced as another wave of pain traveled through his head. "Feels like someone's splitting my skull with a knife."

"That would be an aftereffect of the sedative." Riley's voice came out quiet and soft. She bit her lip, her gaze flicking to his face and then away. "They were scared that you were going to do something to...well, something that Donnie couldn't fix."

"Like try to kill myself again?" Leo asked sharply. The redhead flinched at his words. "Look. It's not like I can hide it anymore. I don't _want_ to hide it anymore. I'm just...I'm _tired_. I'm tired of fighting. Tired of living. I just want to be done." Tears stung his eyes and he blinked them away. "They should've just let me go. Why couldn't they let me go?"

"Because they need you."

"Yeah, right." He snorted. "They need me like a polar bear needs a jacket in wintertime. All I do is take up space and resources, Riley."

"That's not true. You're a member of the team, of the family-"

"A member of the team," the leader repeated flatly. "That's all I'll ever be, is just another _member of the goddamn team!"_ His jaw clenched and he took a breath in through his nose. "You know, I'd like to be remembered for something else other than being 'Fearless Leader' or the guy who 'leads the team.' Just once, I'd like for someone to look at me and just see _Leo,_ the Space Heroes fanatic. _Leo_ , the guy who can't cook worth a damn. _Leo_ , the big brother that still likes to have fun despite what everyone else thinks."

"Leo, look at me." He did after a long moment, revealing the pain and sorrow in his cobalt eyes. Riley took his face gently in her hands. "You are not just the leader. You are not a waste of space or resources. You are Hamato Leonardo, the big brother. The friend. None of us would be here right now if it weren't for you."

Leo squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "That's not true," he whispered. "You'd all be just fine without me."

"Listen to me," Riley insisted. Her face was lined with a weary sympathy. "I know you're scared, Leo. For the first time in your life, you're faced with something you can't just walk away from. And that scares the hell out of you."

"Riley-" His voice broke off into a half-sob and he lurched forward, wrapping his arms around her slim frame. He didn't care how much it hurt. He just needed to be held.

And she held him. A small, sad smile appeared on her lips as she sat there, resting her cheek on the top of his head. "Just breathe, Leo. It's okay. You're gonna be okay. Just breathe. Remind yourself of all the times in the past you felt this scared. All of the times you felt this anxious and overwhelmed. All of the times you felt this level of pain. And remind yourself how, each time, you made it through. Life has thrown so much crap at you, and despite how difficult things have been, you've survived. So breathe and trust that you can survive this too. Trust that this struggle is part of the process. And trust that as long as you don't give up and you keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem, you will make it."

"What if...what if I can't?" Leo whispered tearfully. "What if I'm too broken to make it?"

"Then we'll hold you up until you can do it yourself." Riley wiped a tear from his cheek. "You are not alone here, Leo. No matter what you think, no matter how it seems to be, you are _not_ alone. You have me, and your brothers, and Master Splinter. We're all here for you."

"Oh, Kraang...Sensei. What am I gonna tell Sensei?" the leader moaned. "He's gonna hate me."

The rat had gone on his long, yearly journey to visit the Ancient One, and he would return in a few weeks. So far, he had no concept of what had gone on at the Lair. Now, Riley knew that Splinter would be shocked, and concerned - maybe even disappointed - but to go so far as to use the word _hate..._

"He won't hate you! Why would you think that?"

"Look...Splinter raised me to act and live a certain way. I was supposed to be strong, and fearless, and not need anyone's help. This isn't how he raised me to be. This, right here?" He gestured to himself, his lower lip trembling. "This isn't the student he trained. This is a failure."

"Leo, you're _not_ a failure! You may have made mistakes, but you're not a failure. You are not your downfalls. And nobody can be strong all the time. It's not possible. No man is an island."

"Tell that to everyone who counts - _counted -_ on me for protection, and safety, and decisions, and...and...Dammit, Riley, don't you see? I ruined everything. We're all in hell right now and I'm the one who put us here. And nobody knows it more than me." A wry chuckle escaped his mouth, and Riley shivered. That was a bad sound. A dark sound. An empty sound. "I don't blame anyone. I did this to myself. It's my fault. _Everything_ is my fault."

"Leo..." But she had no more words to say.

Hamato Leonardo had reached the edge of a cliff.

And it sounded like he was ready to jump.

 **A/N: Quick note, guys. That thing that Riley was saying, about how Leo needed to remind himself of "all the times..."? That's a quote from Daniell Koepke. I found it and I liked it so I put it in here.**

 **Also...wasn't quite sure where I was going with the end of the chapter. Heh. We'll see how it turns out. *smiles nervously***

 **Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: ...guess who's coming home in this chapter? The tension is rising, guys. How long do you think Leo will be able to hold up - especially when he thinks so poorly of himself?_

 **tmntsurviver:** Thank you very much! I'll do my best!

 **Guest:** I really enjoyed reading that morbid humor, actually. XD Brightened my day considerably. Raphie really is quite blunt, isn't he? He never _was_ one to beat around the bush. Thank you for your review!

 **leggo lover 99:** Like I said, there'll be even _more_ tension in this chapter (probably). Splinter's coming back, and Leo's not really looking forward to the confrontation he knows is coming. That'll mean facing the reality of what he did, and...I don't know if he's ready for that yet. (But who knows? Splinter might end up surprising you. *wink*)

 **Nutella Swirl:** I like it too, haha. Unfortunately, our leader-in-blue really _isn't_ in the best of places right now...it's gonna take a lot, I think, to get him back to normal. Or as close as possible.

 **Miraculous Pink Ninja:** Yup. Told ya. (As for the April thing...not a clue lol.)

 **flikaroo:** Thank you! Came up with that one myself! *proudly crosses arms*

 _I'd like to apologize for not updating sooner, guys. Life's been kinda hectic lately (I know, that's what I always say; but it really has been). I'm trying to deal with some things that no one should really have to deal with._

 _Anyway, let's get on with the chapter, shall we?_

 **Chapter 4**

Splinter's footfalls were soft as he approached the Lair; a smile of relief split his furred face when the entrance came into sight. It had been months since he had last spoken to his family, and he was very much looking forward to seeing them again.

But when he walked into the renovated subway junction, a wave of _wrongness_ washed over him. His ears twitched as he tried to determine the cause of the feeling. And then he placed it.

The Lair was silent.

There was no laughter echoing through the stone-walled rooms, no shout of anger or annoyance from his hotheaded son. No explosions rocked the ground he stood on.

It was as if there was no one living there anymore.

The rat's eyes dilated and he rushed through the rooms one by one, searching for his missing sons. It was only when he found them in the lab that his heart stopped pounding. It was a full minute before he could relax, and it was two before he could speak.

"My sons," Splinter said. The words came like a thunderclap in the silence. The turtles jumped, turning with wide eyes.

Mikey's face crumpled and he rushed over, throwing his arms around his father. "Papa," he whimpered.

The ninja master frowned at the pain in his youngest son's voice, raising his head to meet Donnie's gaze. "What has happened?"

Donnie swallowed and exchanged a look with Raph. "W-Well...um, you see...ah...there's no easy way to say this. It's about...it's about Leo."

Ice shot through Splinter's veins. Leo, who was suspiciously absent. "Is your brother alright?"

Raph exhaled, crossing his arms and clenching his jaw. "No, Sensei. He's not."

Nothing in the world could've prepared Splinter for what they told him next.

* * *

"...I just...I tried _so hard_ to move on. To get better. And it just got to be too damn much. I couldn't handle it anymore." Leo took a shaky breath, casting his red-rimmed gaze to the floor.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Riley asked softly.

"You don't tell people you're not okay, because it's hard watching them not know what to do. Then you end up comforting _them,_ even though you were the one who needed comforting." A small, pained smile appeared on the eldest turtle's lips. "Besides, there were always more important things that needed to be taken care of. So I told myself, _what's one more day without saying anything?_ If I could make it one more day, I'd be fine. Because maybe tomorrow would be better. But then I realized that I was just trying to get to the next day. I wasn't even really living anymore...and by then it was too late and I couldn't get out of the hole I'd dug."

Leo swallowed and shook his head. "And the worst part was that I knew I was getting bad again, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I just wanted everything to stop hurting. _I_ wanted to stop hurting. I only saw one way out...and I took it. Or tried to."

Whatever Riley would've said in reply was cut short by a knock on the door. The handle turned and the metal swung open to reveal Master Splinter standing behind it. Leo flinched at the sight of his father.

"S-Sensei," he rasped.

"It seems we have much to discuss, my son."

 **A/N: I know, I know. It's _another_ cliffhanger. Sorry. (Sort of. Not really.) **

**How do you guys think Leo's conversation with his dad is gonna go? You can probably guess how _Leo_ thinks it's gonna go. But you might be surprised...it might not turn out exactly how you think.**

 **As for Riley, she's doing the best she can to help Leo get back on his feet. Er...so to speak. It seems like she'll have a greater chance of reaching him than his brothers will. Maybe.**

 **Please review.**


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Hey, everyone. I know, I know, it's been a long freaking time. Sorry 'bout that._

 **Gr8 one:** Splinter might surprise you. You never know with this family. ;)

 **Raphaelfangirl4real:** Thank you very much! Despite what Leo thinks, Splinter was his father before he was his Sensei...Splinter wants what's best for his children. Ultimately, that might be the deciding factor in the coming confrontation. (Of course, that means that Leo's gonna have to face the facts of what he did. So...yeah.)

 **Nutella Swirl:** Can't live without 'em, unfortunately. Gotta have my cliffhanger-fix. XD Honestly though, Splinter being angry would only make it worse, I think. Although if he reacts differently than Leo is gearing himself up for, _that_ might make it worse instead, because then Splinter will be treating him differently than normal. And Leo hates being treated differently. As for Riley, she's doing her best - I think she's getting through to Leo because she's not like his bros...she's less likely to judge him, at least in his opinion.

 **leggo lover 99:** Unfortunately, I did leave it there. There's gotta be something that makes you guys want to keep coming back and reading more. ;) And Leo's brothers still don't know quite how to react...they're pretty much still in shock, for the most part.

 **Chapter 5**

For the longest time, the two master ninja sat there without talking. Leo's shoulders were hunched in dread and fear as he picked at a loose thread on his quilt. The quilt that covered his useless legs.

Self-loathing rose in the eldest's veins again and his eyes pricked with tears. He couldn't even _look_ at his father for all of the shame filling his heart. Leo swallowed, opened his mouth to speak, and found that he couldn't. There was nothing he could say to change anything. Nothing he could do to make this better.

"Leonardo."

The turtle flinched again, his head snapping up automatically as a result of years of training. What he saw in Splinter's eyes wasn't hatred, or disgust, or disappointment, or any of the millions of things that _should've_ been there.

There was worry and love. And that's what broke him.

"Why aren't you angry?!" Leo snapped, those tears spilling down his cheeks. "You should hate me for what I've done!"

Splinter inhaled sharply. "Why do you think I should hate you, my son?"

"Because I didn't do what any honorable ninja would've done! I _gave up._ I gave up the battle. I gave in to the demons and the hurt and the heartache. I _failed,_ Sensei! I failed you, and I failed the guys, and I-I-"

Whatever Leo would've said next was cut off, muffled by the fabric of a worn red kimono as Splinter pulled him close in a fierce embrace. "You failed no one, Leonardo. You failed no one."

The eldest pulled back at that, shaking his head vehemently as tears continued to roll down his face. "But I wasn't the leader I should've been. I wasn't the _brother_ I should've been. I wasn't strong enough to beat this on my own and come out whole. I _wasn't strong enough!"_

"My son, stop."

"But I-"

 _"Leonardo."_

Again, only years of conditioning made Leo's mouth snap shut in deference to his teacher. His master. His father.

The father whom he'd let down in such an epic fashion.

Heat colored his cheeks and he bowed his head. "I-I'm sorry," he whispered. "Forgive me, Sensei."

"There is nothing to forgive," the rat said softly. "Leonardo, look at me." A gentle yet firm hand grasped Leo's chin and raised it up until cobalt blue met rich mahogany. "I do not blame you, my son. You are not at fault here." Splinter exhaled slowly and his shoulders sagged. "If anything, the fault was mine for not recognizing this sooner. Donatello said that you had been feeling this way for many years?"

"I...no, Sensei."

Leo never _was_ the best liar. In fact, he was really very horrible at it. "Tell me the truth, my son. How long?"

A pause. Words spoken so quietly as to be hardly audible. "Since I was eight years old."

Shock and realization slammed into the aging rat like a freight train. Leo's eighth birthday. The day Splinter had begun giving him the rigorous training he needed to be the leader. "But you never said..."

"How could I?" Leo asked in a dejected voice. "The guys already hated me for getting so distant. I didn't want to let you down. I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, so I kept quiet. Kept my feelings to myself." He snorted a little in self-loathing. "Of course, that only made it worse because I grew even more distant from everyone. I locked myself into a training schedule, cut out all fun activities. Figured that it would help take my mind off of things. I didn't realize that I was only hurting myself in the process." His voice cracked on the last syllable. "I just...I tried _so hard_ to be what you needed, Sensei. To be what they needed. And I-I messed up."

Splinter shook his head, sighing. "Oh, my son. My poor, brave son."

"I'm not brave," the blue-banded terrapin replied quietly. "I'm a coward. A stupid, worthless coward. I ran from my problems instead of facing them head-on. I let my fears get the best of me."

"Leonardo, do you know what bravery is?"

Silence.

"Bravery, my son, is not always about facing your fears. It is about getting up again when you've fallen. It is about brushing the dust off and standing, clawing your way back to the top."

"Yeah?" That one word came out venomous and hate-filled and angry. So, so angry. Leo's eyes snapped with fire, suddenly, and the sight was enough to make his father jerk as if he'd been slapped. "Well maybe I _can't_ stand back up! Maybe I'm too weak to claw my way back to the top! Maybe...maybe I don't _want_ to be fixed! Maybe I like myself the way that I am!"

"... _do_ you like yourself the way that you are, Leonardo?"

The eldest took a breath and his shoulders sagged in defeat. "No. No, Sensei, I don't. I hate myself."

 **A/N: Whew...Leo's got a long way to go, guys. And Splinter's gonna have a hard time getting through to him, I think.**

 **Please review.**


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys. I know it's been quite a while. I'm trying._

 **Nutella Swirl:** Thank you very much, my friend! Yeah, I don't think that Leo's ever quite going to be the same. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe now they'll actually pay attention to his basic needs and wants for once, instead of just looking at him as "Fearless."

 **Gr8 one:** You got that right.

 **Jedi Jelsa777:** You're either a fast reader or I've got to get better with the length of my chapters. ;) Thank you, though. Seriously. But don't cry, dude. *hands you a box of tissues* I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations.

 **tmntsurviver:** Yeah...he was in pretty deep. :\

 **TMNT Fan 2012:** Thank you very much! I'll do my best.

* * *

 **Chapter Six**

Riley sat on the couch, absently flipping through channels while she kept most of her attention on trying to listen for the sound of Leo's door opening. It had been nearly an hour since Splinter had gone into the leader's bedroom, and he had yet to emerge.

"...is everything okay?"

The redhead turned her gaze to Mikey, who sat across from her in the pit. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Sensei's been in with Leo for a long time. What do you think they're talking about?"

"Honestly, Mike...I don't know. Leo's not in the best place right now...talking to Splinter will either help him or hurt him, at this point. I'm hoping it'll help, but-"

Before she could finish her sentence, the door opened. Both teens immediately looked to the top of the stairs and the figure that stood there. Splinter looked so much older than he had before. There was such pain in his deep brown eyes, such sadness on his furred face.

"How...how is he, Papa?" Mikey asked hesitantly.

"Your brother is hurting, Michelangelo. And I am not sure if I can reach him. I fear that this is a journey that he will have to make alone. Only he can decide where to go from here."

The youngest turtle was silent for a long moment, processing that information. When he spoke again, his features had become harder, his crystal-clear gaze filled with determination. "Just because he's the only one who can decide where to go doesn't mean he has to make the journey alone, Sensei. He has all of us behind him no matter what. And I'm going to make sure he knows that."

Mikey was gone before they could speak, disappearing up the stairs in a flash of orange and green. Riley bit her lip, glancing at Splinter.

"Is that a smart decision to let him go up there right now?"

The rat master sighed. "In all honesty, it may be exactly what Leonardo needs. He has been on his own for such a long time...perhaps it is time to reveal to him just how much support he truly has."

Riley could only hope Splinter was right.

* * *

"...Leo? Can I come in?"

There was a small noise, like a sigh, and then: "Sure, Mikey."

The orange-banded ninja hadn't seen his oldest brother in a while, and the first glimpse he got was enough to stop him in his tracks. There was a look of pure exhaustion on Leo's face. And not physical exhaustion. Mental. Spiritual.

Leo was tired of living.

It hurt to see the leader like this. Mikey could feel hot tears prick at his eyes, but he pushed them away and stepped forward. "Did you and Sensei have a good talk?"

"I really don't feel like discussing it," Leo replied dully.

"...okay. Well, did you want to play a board game or something? We could watch a movie, maybe. I've been wanting to rent that new one that came out earlier this-"

"Would you stop it?! I'm not going to be the same as I used to be, and I'm sick of people acting like they want me to be that way again!"

Mikey flinched. His eyes went wide at the sharp tone, and for the first time in a while he didn't know how to respond.

Leo's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry, Mike. I just...I don't feel like doing anything right now."

The freckled turtle bit his lip. "That's okay," he said softly. "We don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. We could just sit here for a while, if that's what you wanted."

"That would be nice."

"...can I...?"

Another sigh. "Sure."

Barely managing to hide his smile of excitement, Mikey climbed into the bed and snuggled up into Leo's side. The leader stiffened at the contact, but eventually relaxed enough to put his arm around his little brother's shoulders.

They sat there for a long time before Mikey dared to speak again. "You don't have to be the same, you know," he told him carefully. "You don't have to be what people want you to be. It's okay to be different. To be yourself. To be who _you_ want you to be."

"...thanks," the eldest whispered after another period of silence.

"No problem. And Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm here for you. You know that, right?"

Leo glanced down in shock, only to find that Mikey was fast asleep. For the first time in a long time, a smile appeared on his face. It was small, and watery, but it was there. And it was real.

 **A/N: What'd you guys think? Apparently, Mike and Riley are going to have the best shot at getting to Leo.**

 **What Mikey said was kind of my own belief, by the way. You shouldn't have to be what others want you to be. You should be your own person. Do your own thing. Because being what others want you to be and doing what they want you to do isn't going to make you happy. Trust me on that one.**

 **See you on the flip side.**

 **Please review.**


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Hey there, everyone. How's it going? Long time no see. Er...update. XD_

 **LLII:** I gotta put fluff in there somewhere. 'specially with all the drama going on. ;) I'll do my best!

 **FrostyFirebender:** Aw, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter...I wasn't quite sure what to do with it haha. And then it rather...wrote itself, so to speak.

 **Nutella Swirl:** Good to see you, my friend! :D Thank you very much! I'm trying...stupid school. Sometimes it's easy and other times it's a major pain in my butt. *shrugs*

 **Gr8 one:** Well, I can't leave you in the dark all the time. Or can I? *evil laugh* ...nah, I'm just kidding. Don't worry.

 **Jedi Jelsa777:** I know exactly what you mean...unfortunately I too do a lot of bingeing. And then I'm left waiting for updates. So here you go. ;) I'm trying to stay somewhere between a 700-1500 word count. Any more feels too long to me, and any less just...isn't great. Heh.

 _Alright, let's get going, shall we? I think you've all waited long enough. Maybe._

 **Chapter Seven**

When Leo emerged from his room later that day, he had the tiniest semblance of a smile on his face. Riley glanced at the others in shock. It was the first time she'd seen him with anything other than a scowl or the permanently-depressed look on his face in weeks.

 _What did Mikey say to him?_

The orange-banded turtle in question was, of course, oblivious to her mental musings. He whistled cheerfully as he walked over to his oldest brother. "Hey, dude. I was wondering if you wanted to pick the pizza toppings for dinner tonight."

Leo's surprise was evident to all of them. He actually stopped wheeling his chair for a moment. "Really? You want me to pick the toppings?"

"Why not? You like pizza just as much as the rest of us, and you never get to pick."

Leo looked over at everyone else - who, in turn, did their best to seem as if they weren't listening to the conversation, though of course they were. "Um...okay, I guess. What about Hawaiian?"

"Sweet! I love me some pineapple!" the freckled ninja crowed, heading to the kitchen to place the order.

The room descended into an awkward silence - awkward because there was too much left to say, and yet nothing to really talk about. Eventually, Riley worked up the courage to glance over at the oldest turtle and found him staring down at his feet in quiet concentration, as if they would move by sheer will alone.

Which of course they didn't.

Leo heaved an almost unintelligible sigh and shook his head, his shoulders sagging just the tiniest bit. Gone was the smile from earlier - the look of disappointment and self-loathing had returned to his face. With a start, Riley realized just how old he'd begun to look. The lines carved into the ninja's face made it seem like he was nearing thirty years old instead of twenty.

 _I guess that depression can do that to a person._

Before she could say anything, Mikey came skipping back into the room. "Order is placed! April said she'd pick up the pizza for us and bring it down here so we wouldn't have to go out."

A fleeting look of panic filled Leo's cobalt eyes. Riley immediately knew why. The kunoichi hadn't seen her blue-banded friend since before...well, before. She hadn't really been informed of what had occurred, and there was no telling how she'd react.

"Mike, I don't know if this is really-"

Mikey stopped and stared at him for a minute, his baby-blues softening. "Just for a few minutes. If you get uncomfortable, I'll ask her to go. But try. Alright?"

The leader's jaw clenched a little and Riley could sense that he was biting back a harsh reply. "Fine," he eventually said, in a voice that had become near-silent and filled with an odd tightness.

Everyone grew quiet once again - but it was an uneasy quiet, filled with things that no one dared to say. Finally, there was the sound of stone grinding against stone, and the Lair door opened to reveal a redhead whose arms were full of pizza boxes.

"Someone wanna give me a hand?" April asked, her voice muffled by the cardboard containers. Raph sighed, standing up, and grunted in surprise as she immediately transferred everything to his waiting arms.

Now free of her heavy load, April turned to face the rest of the group...only to stop in her tracks at the sight of Leo - proud, strong, resilient Leo - in a wheelchair. The blood drained from her face and she blinked once. Twice.

"W-What is...what...I don't-"

A look of despair and self-loathing appeared on the leader's face and his cobalt eyes turned stormy. "I'm not hungry anymore," he said quietly. "Thanks anyway, April." And with that, he was gone, wheeling away down the hall. His bedroom door slammed shut with a _clang._

Riley's heart sank as she stared at the place where he'd been moments before. None of this was going how she'd hoped. How any of them had hoped. Donnie and the others were afraid that they'd lose their oldest brother again.

But she was afraid they already had.

 **Please review.**


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Sorry again about the lack of updates. Life's been insane lately._

 **Nutella Swirl:** Yeah...I realized that I should probably have the human friends in on the storyline, haha. I think it really would be a shock for April if she found out that our Fearless Leader was wheelchair-bound for the entirety of the foreseeable future. ...erm...not that you heard it from me. ;)

 **LLII:** DON'T DIE! I NEED YOU AROUND FOR MORE REVIEWS AND ALSO FOR MORE UPDATES ON YOUR OWN STORIES!

 **Gr8 one:** Nothing lasts forever... ;)

 **Jedi Jelsa777:** I know exactly what you mean, my dude. I barely have enough time to breathe lately. :\ I've definitely gotten complaints before that my chapters are sometimes too short. Like I can understand it if the chapter is only about 400 words long, but I try to keep it above that count. Also, I don't mind about the mini rant. I enjoyed commiserating with you. XD

 **TMNT fan 2012:** Here you go, dude. :D

 **Chapter Eight**

Leo's eyes narrowed as he listened to the murmured conversations beyond his door. April had been here for more than three hours now, and he _knew_ they were talking to her about everything. He could only imagine the things they were saying.

 _"He wouldn't even come to us. He's too stubborn for his own good."_

 _"How can someone that stubborn be that weak?"_

 _"He's not weak, Raph. Just a little...broken."_

The truth hit the leader hard, suddenly. He was _broken_. Useless. Damaged goods.

And nobody needed damaged goods.

His throat closed up at that realization; his lungs worked to bring in air, but it seemed like there was no air to be found. His world was crumbling beneath him.

 _Useless worthless piece of crap broken waste of space sorry excuse for a living thing-_

"No," he gasped, clutching at his head. "I'm not. I'm not. They need me. They need...they need...I-"

 _-FREAK PATHETIC COWARD FAILURE-_

Just like that, the former leader lost his grip on reality. His eyes rolled up and he pitched forward, falling out of his wheelchair to land on the floor with a _bang._ Tears streamed down his face and dripped onto the floor but he didn't notice. "Help me..." he whimpered, unable to even move.

Feet pounded up the stairs and his bedroom door was flung open; it slammed into the wall with enough force to rattle the old sword rack in the corner of the room. "Leo! Oh my Kraang-"

Arms around him, hauling him upright. Light shining in his eyes. Voices filling his ears, asking questions that he couldn't answer. Panic. Fear. Too much.

"I can't do this anymore," Leo moaned quietly. " _Mikey_ -"

The noise and lights and _pressure_ reached a crescendo. The wave crashed down on him all at once, drowning him.

And then it was over.

They called it a panic attack. They didn't say what it really was. They didn't tell him that he was losing it.

They didn't have to tell him. He already knew.

Mikey wouldn't look at him. The kid fidgeted with his fingers, pulled on his mask tails, stared at his feet - anything to avoid looking at his messed-up older brother.

Raph was no better - raging around the Lair, trashing whatever was left of his precious punching bag. He'd slipped out not long after that; everyone else chose to assume that he was going to hang out with Casey and bust some heads.

Donnie was, of course, being clinical about the entire matter. "Do you need anything? Water? More medicine? I can up the dosage if you'd like." Leo knew it was a front for how scared he really was, deep down.

April and Riley had said almost nothing since the "panic attack." Riley was upset, but not at him; she was upset because there was nothing she could do to help her friend. And April was just trying to cope with the new reality that Leo wasn't _Leo._

Master Splinter, for his part, had been holed up in his room all day, poring over ancient scrolls in hopes that one of them could heal his son. So far, he'd had no luck.

Leo was working on accepting it.

 _I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse._

What would happen when he went full-on crazy? Would they keep him around? Or would they...

 _No. They'd never do that. Not in a million years._ Especially not since they were so keen on saving him in the first place. Besides, he wouldn't make them choose that option. He'd find a way to do it himself first.

Crippled or not, suicidal or not, it was still Leo's job to protect his clan.

Even from himself.

 **A/N: Please review.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

"Are you okay?"

Leo jumped at the unexpected voice, relaxing a little when he realized who it was. "Riley. Hey." He hadn't even heard her enter his bedroom. _Some ninja._

The redhead smiled slightly as she took a seat next to him on his bed, where he'd been since early that morning. "You didn't answer my question."

"I just..." He stopped and swallowed, tried to speak, and swallowed again. "...no. No, I'm not. For the life of me, Riley, I can't seem to do anything right. It feels like whenever something bad happens, it happens because I tried to..." _Kill myself._ The words wouldn't come out of his mouth, no matter how hard he tried to say them. "And right now, April's out there and they're telling her everything but it'll all be messed up because it's not my point of view and you should've seen her _face,_ Riley - she was so shocked and upset and...and-"

"Breathe, Leo. It's okay."

But it wasn't, and it never would be again.

His eyes burned and he rubbed at the cobalt orbs furiously to try and block the tears. "I'm such a screwup. Kraang...why didn't I...why couldn't I just finish the job?" he whispered, lowering his gaze to his useless, useless feet. "They would be better off-"

"Without you?" his redheaded friend finished, pinning him with her electric green gaze. "Why would you even think that?"

 _I mess up so much,_ he wanted to say. _I was selfish and I screwed up and everything that's happened is my fault._ Instead, he shrugged, picking at the blanket underneath him. "I'm a disappointment."

Riley blinked. Then anger filled her eyes. "Hamato Leonardo, you are _not_ a disappointment. Not to me, not to your brothers, and certainly not to your father."

 _Right. And frogs have wings._

Though with all the mutagenic spread, one never knew. "Can we talk about something else, please?"

"No. We're going to have this conversation and we're going to have it now. I love you like a brother, Leo, and I've stayed silent all this time, but I am _not_ going to stand by and watch while you destroy yourself."

The blue-banded turtle felt something, then - something he hadn't felt in a long time.

Anger.

"I'm not destroying myself!" he snapped. "And you honestly think I'm just sitting around doing nothing?! I'm still doing more than you guys even realize I'm doing! And I'm still capable of doing things even if I can't walk!"

"...what do you mean, you're still doing more than we realize?"

Leo fell silent once more. He shouldn't tell her. He _definitely_ shouldn't tell her what his plans were. "Nothing. Just...planning on how to get everything back to normal." The lie sounded weak and tasted foul on his tongue, but it would have to do. Things would never go back to normal - he knew that as well as anybody. But Riley seemed to buy it, because her shoulders relaxed some and she looked away.

"Oh." The room grew quiet for a long time until the redhead dared to speak again. "I'm...um...I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"It's fine," came the automatic response. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and he shrugged. "I mean, it's not but it is." They laughed and something broke loose in Leo's chest, like a weight lifting free. He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it a little. "Riley...thanks for being there for me."

Riley offered him a half-smile. "What are friends for?"

 _To keep each other from making stupid decisions, apparently._ Leo matched her smile with one of his own and settled back against his wall, his cobalt gaze growing distant. His heart skipped a beat as he thought about what he was really planning on doing.

 _It'll be much less painful for everyone involved once it's done,_ a little voice reminded him.

For the time being, though, he could still enjoy these moments with his family and friends. So he laid his head on his best friend's shoulder and closed his eyes, drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

 **A/N: Anyone have any guess as to what our blue-banded leader is contemplating? No? Maybe?**

 **Aaaaaanyway, please leave me a review. I really really look forward to reading them. XD**


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